Is it OK to ask someone if they are HIV+ before sex?

Short answer: It might be OK, but it ain't smart or kind.

"Hey, I like your Grindr pics. I'm looking to suck a c*ck. I'm a bit far, but I can drive to your place if you can host."

And when you are bored and can't sleep, how can you say no to such a request?

The sexy stranger drives 3, 5 or 7 kilometres to meet you, and the moment they are parked in front of your door, they remember they have one more question.

"Oh, I forgot to ask. Are you STI (Sexually Transmitted Infections)-free? What's your HIV status?"

If you are reading this post and believe this is a fair question, give me a minute to tell you why I disagree.

Let's say I'm your soon-to-be hookup, and you are asking me about my STI/HIV status.

Case 1: I have an STI, and I know it

If I'm online looking for sex, the last thing to do is tell you about it.

What should you do?
Don't trust my angelic face; practise safe sex.

Case 2: I know I'm HIV positive under successful treatment

Don't worry about HIV with me. I can't pass it on to you. But how can you know if I am on a successful treatment? Why do I have to talk about it and educate you before sex? Why are you pushing me to lie?

What should you do?
Don't trust my perfectly curved Greek god-like body; practise safe sex.

Case 3: I know I'm HIV positive, but my treatment isn't yet successful.

Same as Case 1, if I'm looking for sex, I'm not going to tell you.

What should you do?
Don't trust my poetic messages; practise safe sex.

Case 4:  I'm a psycho-killer from a future Netflix show

PREP, PEP and good luck will only help you in that case.

What should you do?
Run bitch! Call the police. Scream for your life. Kick that piece of shit in the face as hard as you can!

Case 5: I don't know my status

I'll probably tell you, "Yes, I'm STI-free", which will mean the last time I checked, I was STI-free, but since then, I might have picked something else up!

What should you do?
Don't trust the photos showing off my riches and extensive volunteer work; practise safe sex.

In all of the above cases, what I or anyone tells you is the least important thing.

When you ask me about my status, I think that you are just trying to find excuses to justify your risky sexual behaviour or that you never took one hour to do the research you should or that I'm meeting a fearful hypochondriac that will just make the next few minutes uncomfortable and miserable.

Deep inside, I mostly care about the HIV+ queers that deserve a break. Members of our community should act as a shield for poz people and not perpetuate the stigma.

The most important thing is that when you meet someone for sex, you should never take risks you may regret. Having sex with HIV+ individuals isn't a risk. Risk is not practising safe sex and not getting tested regularly.

Asking people about STIs just before sex is unsexy and inconsiderate.

Once I read that about 8500 HIV+ individuals live in Ireland. I don't know how accurate this number is, but let me tell you something; if you live here, you have already fucked many of them!

As you understand, I never met that guy. I found his question upsetting. He said he never had the time to research, but he did have the time to drive several kilometres to suck a cock.

Additionally, he said he was on PREP. Why would, for the love of Britney, someone on PREP ask people if they are HIV+ before sex?

I'll say it once again, don't ask people about their status before sex. Discuss it over food, coffee or tea with anyone willing to discuss their personal issues with you.

We are not in the 80s or 90s; we should not fear contracting HIV; we should take measures to protect ourselves from getting it.

Someone claiming they are "clean" is arguably the 💩 shittiest protection you can use.

And you'll ask, who am I to say this? I'm no one. Do your research, and ask the people at the clinic if you are not sure what to do. But in any case, don't trust anyone telling you they are "safe"; make sure you are.

I asked my Instagram and the responses let me down.

At least it made me feel this post was needed.

"HIV issues on a gay blog?  Groundbreaking!" These days nothing is groundbreaking. We are all going back to basics because we apparently don't agree on anything. Still, people putting flags against Jewish folks, and governments are stripping trans and queers off our rights.

Let's unite and be the wind on the back of HIV+ people and all queers and minorities, not the spit on their face! (Aka let's support them, let's not make people's lives miserable for no reason.) No HIV+ person should be put in the position to educate you just before sex.

Some of the responses I got  (sorry, for including only a few)

"Just take prep or use a fucking condom" - Rick
"Discussing status is the only way to break down stigma" - Anonymous
"I ask to see how responsible they are for their and other people's health." - Anonymous
"Your safety is your responsibility. You're assuming it rather than placing it on them." - Anonymous
"Only if you plan with no condom" - Enchanted

Want to read more?

HIV and sex from HIV Ireland,
Act up,
What straight people at WebMD say,
Another site I found.

*All stories are 100% real, apart from the parts I made up for the purposes of this post.