Twenty-four couples replied to incredibly intimate and judgemental questions, so you won't ever have to be the prick who asks them.
Welcome to the Questionmark on Open Relationships.
Q1. How have your previous relationships impacted your decision to be in an open relationship?
"Never had a serious relationship before this one. I guess casual relationships impacted my current relationship in that I got to keep enjoying casual sex with other men."
"Strongly (hahaha), I always felt like I wanted to have sex with other guys despite loving my couples and wanting to fuck with them. It gives a context to show that an open relationship can work and be productive."
"Actually, they would have logically been evidence against the idea, but here we are."
"It's probably had a pretty significant impact subconsciously. The relationship before this one wasn't a healthy one - very controlling and abusive. So, for me, freedom socially and sexually is important.
"This is my first relationship."
"This is the only serious relationship I've been in."
"I was just out of a ten-year monogamous relationship when I met him. I decided I wasn't gonna get into another relationship like my last."
"I was in a very long closed relationship. I always felt the need to try something more open, but my partner wasn't keen on the idea. Over the years, the need got stronger and stronger."
"This is my first serious and long term relationship ever. So having an open relationship has benefited me because I was still inexperienced with sex and relationships before this relationship."
"My previous relationships were all toxic and based on conservative rules where being jealous and possessive was a good thing. This negatively impacted my decision to be in an open relationship, making the early stages quite tricky. I had to unlearn a lot of negative behaviours that were stopping me from being happy."
Q2. How did you decide to be open?
"For the first few years, we were not open. Then one day, he suggested we have a 4sum with a couple we knew. At first, I was shocked and then the more I thought about it, I thought, "yeah, let's try this"."
"A lot of conversation about 2 years in the relationship."
"Threesomes lead to being more open."
"At first, I was moving to Paris for 8 months in our second year on Erasmus. I asked him if we could be open because I knew if we weren't, I'd end up cheating on him anyways."
"After my partner had explored outside of our relationship."
"After a few years of our relationship, we had sexual and intimacy struggles. I had a higher libido than my bf; I was also less experienced. We initially started with threesomes for a good year before opening up to meeting other people separately."
"At a party, we took a guy at home, and it was fun..."
"We discussed it in the beginning when we were dating for a few months."
"We talked about our needs and came to the conclusion we both wanted an open relationship."
"The problem was naming what it was. It wasn't an active decision to open it up."
"Our sex life became stale, and we both needed to find other men to have sex with."
"Talking about it, understanding each other's wants and agreeing on ground rules of what's okay and what's not. Safer sex etc. Then introducing other people into the bed and taking it one step at a time."
"It was the way I wanted to live my life, and the time was right. I had given it enough thought. Monogamy, jealousy and boring sex were three things I wanted to avoid. I like experimenting, and being in an open relationship gave me this opportunity."
"It was a requirement before starting a new relationship"
"I started off wanting to try a threesome for the first time. I am also interested in fetishes that I have always wanted to explore."
"He asked. I agreed."
"Just through open and honest discussions."
"We had a long, open conversation about it."
"Out of love. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. Whether that's with you or with someone else. My partner and I have a fantastic relationship; we're best friends, but we both wanted things that we couldn't offer at the time. So we decided that the healthiest thing was to look for those things in other people."
Q3. Was there an initial agreement? What was that? For how much time?
Repeating Initial agreements:
- Only play together
- No initial agreement
- When we are apart (e.g. travelling)
- When it happens, it happens. We are not chasing it.
"Yes. We didn't have to tell each other when we were hooking up with other guys, but most of the time, we did anyways. Lasted about 6 months of my Erasmus."
"We decided to have no agreement for a few months till we have definite opinions in mind."
"No absolute agreement as such. We would only play together, but over time, it evolved; we both have different tastes. I'm bottom, and he's top, so the guys we went after tended to be different!"
"No agreement. It started off as a threeway and then evolved. We met other guys without speaking about it for a few years."
"We had a couple of talks. Then we reached our initial agreement. We promised to be completely honest and communicate our thoughts and fears concerning the matter."
"We did an experiment for a couple of years. I wasn't in the right headspace, and he was disillusioned, so we decided to close again. We're open again now."
"Only open with others together. That lasted about 4 years. Now it's open with consent."
"To do what made us happy. We could have sex or become emotionally attached to others. More than a rule, we already had the commitment to each other that we were each other's priority and that no one would get in the way of that. So we can have sex or be emotionally involved with others. The two of us always come first above any other people we both met. Also, we didn't put a time limit."
Q4. What are the rules of your relationship?
"When we are together, we play together. No separate sex dates. If we are not together, it's more open."
"Mild fun only, no risky sex, discreet non-scene action, have to tell afterwards"
