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It was at high school that I discovered that my interests were quite different from those of the other men.
I did not like soccer, and the only thing I wanted to do with women was to socialize and gossip with them. Wow, jabbering with young or older ladies was the most exciting moment of my life.
I have always asked myself why those ladies or "girlfriends" allowed me to be part of them. Or did they consider me a lady too?
I watched my friends as they talked about sexy, handsomely formed guys and gazed with lots of excitement in their eyes. Still, the unfortunate part was I could not comment or say anything.
It was so erotic to hear them talk about these stories and know that what I felt was similar. My pain was always, when would I be so free to do the same? How could I cope with all these gay fantasies and a future so long and unpromising?
I completed my sixth grade and did well, though not exceptionally well, but I managed to proceed to university in Zimbabwe.
My life was pretty uneasy, and the harsh reality started to sink in. The part I liked about university was that people mind their own business. However, my human mind would never let me rest; I would always argue and torment myself as to why I was so different from others.
I still recall an incident with a friend at the university. He would just ask, "Bro, why do you isolate yourself from others? Come, let's watch some soccer?"
Any person would think this was very exciting, but as for me, that was never exciting at all; it was very traumatizing. I was not interested in football and could not express my views. So I looked for excuses and ran away.
It became clear that I had to look for a way to look heterosexual. Some of my girlfriends helped me get a girlfriend I hardly knew how to kiss or love. She was madly in love with me since she was fresh from high school and I was in my second year.
All around campus, news started to travel that I had a girlfriend. My attractiveness became enhanced, and ladies began to view me differently. Ofcos (/of course), I also knew I was quite handsome without having to look much in the mirror.
In the hostel, guys would ask, "so, are you now hammering?"
Every man on campus has sex with their girlfriend, and I was the only abnormal one to be distanced away from sex and pleasure.
What made it much tougher is that deep down, I knew who I really was and had a certain kind of behaviour amongst guys, which I couldn't do with my girlfriends.
One of my hostel mates seemed very influential and socially forced me to go clubbing with my fun-loving girlfriend. It was the custom to book a hotel in the bustling city of Bulawayo for after the night out. The room I booked was welcoming and comfy, and I intended to try to eat the forbidden fruit, as the guys would say.
No one could save me from this kind of situation. The most challenging part of life is to try and have sex with a woman for the very first time when you know very well that men are the ones who give you an erection.
We kissed for hours as my woman caressed my patched jean to feel my dick. Well, I was pretty well hung back then since I had not gained much weight as of yet. She could feel that I was enjoying it, I was semi-hard, and the bulge was quite significant.
Little did she know that all in my mind, I had to imagine a very hot dude with an amazing body to get that semi-erection.
She went ahead to unveil the package, and as she was doing so, she was delighted to see my almost huge package. I was fortunate that day because she decided to suck me at the start. If she had not done so, she would have easily picked that something was not right.
My sexual response was outstanding. As an African man, for once, I almost thought I could fight the feelings within me, but then, she started taking her clothes off and demanded real sex.
She took off everything until she was entirely in her birthday suit. She was beautiful, and any straight man would easily feast on her and get a lovely orgasm, but this was not my thing. My erection quickly disappeared, and I had to hide behind my religious beliefs since my father was a pastor.
I simply told her, "Melissa, this is not right; I love you too much to do this and would like to marry you. I cannot let us do this great sin against God and ourselves".
She was very shocked by all this, she couldn't understand, especially considering that it was coming from a man.
I pretended to have fun and watch movies with Melissa even though I could tell she was annoyed. We slightly talked about it, then she just brushed it off, and somehow she thought I would change my mind.
We went to bed later after we noticed we both could not enjoy the movie and were kind of tipsy from the few drinks we had.
Towards morning Melissa moved quite close to my body. The early morning hour was my greatest advantage; that's when my highest testosterone levels kicked in, so it was easy to maintain an erection.
She sensed this was her best chance to enjoy my manhood, so she did not take the time to set up the apparatus.
She was on top of me in the twinkling of an eye and directed my fully hard dick to enter inside her.
I have to admit she was so warm and congenial. And, at least, I enjoyed having an orgasm and came straight inside her after 30 or so minutes. The feeling of penetration in and out was awesome but all through, I imagined a man.
All my sexual fantasies were with men, and this was my first queer one, in my view.
After what happened, a part of me was delighted that I was no longer gay and would be very accepted in society. I felt an unusual feeling of being a macho man. My feelings for men felt gone entirely, but that turned out to be only temporary.
When I got out of the hotel, my sight was greeted by a very handsome man of my taste. At that point, I realized being gay was never a choice, and I was not even bisexual. My sexuality was that of a gay man.
Melissa and I continued our relationship for the following months. I avoided sex as much as possible but kept giving in in the early morning hours when my erection was stronger.
She never seemed to notice anything, which struck a balance with my double life.
That was when I met Benison, one caretaker for a prominent governmental organization in Bulawayo. He was not very handsome at all, but he was quite a very sexy person, and the sight of him made my blood rush.
Every spare time I could get was a chance to be with my newfound lover.
My girlfriend thought I had someone encroached on the campus, maybe a new secret girlfriend, and sometimes she would take my phone to check for WhatsApp messages.
She would wonder what the hell was going on since every time he called, I excused myself and went out.
I had to ensure that she would never find out, no matter the cost.
In the late evenings, I would talk to Benison and would sometimes sneak out of campus to get our real erotic sex 37 km from the campus. Benison was my heartbeat and still is till today, even if we are far away from each other.
I had to find a way to break up with Melissa since she was so much into me, so one day, when her uncle visited, I framed her and acted as if she was meeting a boyfriend. Many had seen her with him at the gate, so it made sense.
I was so glad to have moved on from her as this meant I could be kind of free to enjoy a life with Benison as often as we could meet.
Campus girls were now queueing to try and lure me to their bosoms. In my country, the more ladies you date on a school campus, the more attractive you become.
I ignored them and made an excuse as if to point out I was concentrating on my schoolwork the most.
The difficult part, though, was the rising tension in the men's hostels, as the gents would seem to point out that I was not normal. I could not watch any soccer, could not do much with other guys, and had no girlfriend again. To everyone's eyes, I was once again the most awkward person on campus.
Ultimately, I was saved by an application I had done earlier to specialize in my medical program. OHHH! It was such a relief! And my father pushed for me to join the university in Kenya as soon as possible. I had no idea that my double life was just about to advance.
Another part of me was miserable that I was leaving Benison. Yet, another wanted to explore new relationships with handsome Kenyan men. I knew one way or another that I would definitely meet attractive men.
In Kenya, it was a lovely welcome for me, but one thing meant my social life was going to be hectic.
The rooms had bunk beds for all students, meaning I had less privacy and more heterosexual roommates who would poke their noses into my business.
The only fascinating part was to wake up each morning to the majestic view of bulges from hot Kenyan men with nice chocolate skin. Kenyans are much hotter than Zimbabweans, truth be told. They are well endowed by tribe, and I can clearly say the Kikuyu, Swahili, Taita, Luo, and Luhya are the best far seen. I have tasted all these, not that I am a hoe gigolo or something. Still, sometimes gay relationships have the crazy hit-and-run effect if you are not careful.
The social pressure was too much at school. My peers from my country would somehow forcefully socialize everyone, and there was no secret anyone could keep for long. University life had a hectic schedule as the syllabus here was unusually complicated and exaggerated.
I loved the cool Kenyan weather of Eldoret and the late rainy afternoons each day, but my awkwardness always made my days gloomy.
It is at this place that I learned to wank and masturbate to reduce the excessive sexual tension.
I would go to the library each day and study while horny. I think the vegetarian diet, the peanut snacks, and the avocado with eggs worsened it. The daily morning jogs helped me develop a more muscular physique, and my testosterone levels reached sky level. I was always horny like an African goat.
I would create fake Facebook accounts just to search for attractive men with lusts of the same nature, but I longed for a single stable relationship just like the one I had back home in Zimbabwe.
The Zimbabwean community on campus would organize parties and events, most of which were very interesting but traumatizing for people like me. They would make it seem awkward not to have a girlfriend and constantly tease and laugh at me. Sometimes, I had to pretend to be happy, but it felt awkward when I walked away from the social scene. I simply had to be strong for myself. I could do nothing, even if deep inside, I was screaming in agony.
I had girlfriends I would click with in a friendly way. Still, they would also wonder why I was not fascinated by love and the excitement between boyfriend and girlfriend. Others would go out clubbing and drinking, and such social events became a source of social phobia for me. Ultimately, I gave in and asked a beautiful Kenyan lady out. She was majestic; she had lovely curves, fantastic flowy skin, and long hair. Her personality was also my kind; she did not care much about what people would say as long as she was treated well.
We often went out to parks and kissed at night on campus, and we ended up becoming the envy of the school.
Our relationship was quite romantic, and sexually, I did the old morning trick. Chara seemed to love an early morning fuck. She loved to mention that no other man had made her reach climax like I did. When she said so, my mind would be wondering about the Kenyan man she might have met.
Time passed, and I became a senior student at the university, and we ended up breaking up. She never liked the idea of breaking up; I never told her there was someone else, but I guess she somehow knew it.
I had a new campus discreet boyfriend who took most of my time with his unusually erotic romance escapades. Raul was extraordinarily wonderful to me. I now hate that the painful part of this story is that I cannot have anyone I love forever. We had to part ways when I graduated and moved back to my country.
As I mentioned earlier, I come from a Christian family. My father was a Pastor for a very conservative church in Zimbabwe and a very powerful man within the church. Being gay was the most taboo thing ever, but somehow I knew he knew; he always treated me unusually differently.
When I reached 25, I had almost everything I wanted except love. My love life was a mess, at least in everyone else's eyes. I was now expected to get married. The community I lived in was very complicated and unsympathetic to successful men without wives.
When I got married, I officially started my double life. My wife was a virgin, and we always had great sex. I believe she enjoys it more than me, but I will never tell her my secret.
We now have a lovely daughter, and I think I have managed to keep my affairs secret.
It is a great punishment to live the way I do. Still quite interesting when I get to sneak out and enjoy the flexibilities I can feast on in this hostile to my endeavours society.
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